The Last Marauder
by Eliza Garcia
Summary: Remus Lupin deals with the loss of a Friend. Spoilers.


**Title:** The Last Marauder  
  
**Summary:** Remus Lupin's reflection on the loss of a friend. Book Five Spoiler.  
  
**Rating: **PG-13 just to be safe. The story is left up to the interpretation of the reader.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any recognizable characters; they are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. However, the story is mine and can not be reproduced without my permission. If you would like to give me Lupin, smack a bow on him and I'll gladly take him. -

**A/N: **This is a really good outlet for me. It's extremely similar to "Letting Go" so if you enjoy this story and like LotR, go read that. shameless plug Please review this story; flames are welcomed, they keep me warm. This is dedicated to a dear friend. I don't know if he'll be able to read this, and if he can he'll understand.

**The Last Marauder**

     I woke up today, Padfoot. I had prayed that I wouldn't, but I did. I even got up and ate breakfast. I had trouble sleeping last night. It was 15 years ago all over again. When I lost Lily and James, I lost you too…you were a murderer. Now I've lost you twice. How could I ever have thought you would betray Lily and James? You were our friend, my friend. My best friend. I'm thankful I got a second chance at friendship when I learned that Peter had been the one to betray us and you were innocent.  
      If I had known that the last time we actually had a conversation was going to be the last, I would have said so much more. I would have gone to bed later; I would have postponed dinner another ten minutes. I would have told you how many times you've saved me. There were days, even if I actually never said this to you, when I wanted to lie down and die. Then you would talk to me, or smile with a simple hello and all drastic thoughts went away.  
      I have some very old and some recent letters from you. I read them. You always used to tease me about how emotional I was, so I hesitate in telling you this. I cried. I cried for you, for me, for Lily and James, for Harry, for the words that were never spoken. I want to go back and tell you how much you mean to me. You were what kept me hanging on.   
     I keep asking myself why God took you away. I need you. Harry needs you. I'm not a religious man but once I read or heard that God brings people into our lives for a reason and takes them away fro a reason too. Maybe your part in this story is done. I keep thinking that one of your reasons for being here was to save me. That maybe God needs me for something in the future. If He does, I don't want to be apart of it without you. Maybe God thought I was old enough or wise enough and strong enough that I didn't need you. He's wrong. If I don't need you, then why the hell am I crying? Come back, Padfoot. I want to be at your side. I don't want to be the only one left anymore. Always the lone werewolf, the last of the Marauders.   
       God, I hate myself for never telling you how much you mean to me. Did you think of me in those last moments? It must have gone by so quickly, you probably didn't. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I want to look at this in a positive way. A few months ago, you told me you were tired of fighting. Now at least you won't have to fight anymore. I want you to know that despite what it may have appeared, I thought of you each and everyday. I probably still will. I was always the emotional one, wasn't I, Padfoot?

The last time I've cried this way was when Lily and James were dead, and I thought Peter was dead, and you were sent to Azkaban. Those first weeks were the most difficult. I sat in my apartment day after day drinking. I even looked forward to the full moon. It took me away from reality. And then, the next day, reality would come crashing back in and I'd be as alone as I was the day before. Now the cycle is starting again, fifteen years later.  
     I didn't want to wake up today, Sirius, but I did. And I'll probably wake up tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. I'll wake up and breathe and eat and in all sense be alive, but my dear Sirius, when I was with you and James in the days of our youth, those were the only days I truly lived.

**The End**  
     


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